Hi. My name is Amanda. I broke up with my first boyfriend on Sunday. We dated for fifteen months and I was completely smitten. I was in love. I had found the one. He was the one that I was going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Even when he began to lash out at me because of his depression, I tried to be understanding and urged him to get help. Well, that was in June. It is now December. I couldn't take it anymore. He told me that it was my fault, that he was going to leave me and kill himself any day now. He cut his arms and made sure that I was a witness. He was crying for help, and I had no trouble noticing. I tried helping. At first he told me that he was getting help, and he would do anything to get better, for me. Months later, I realized that was a joke. Ha, there was nothing I could do anymore. I gave up going to practice many days to give in to his begging to see me. Every time, I went home crying. I just couldn't stand seeing him upset. Not to mention that he was abusing me, being manipulative and stubborn. He spat out ulitimatums and threatening statements.
There is much more to this story, but way too much to even fathom. I ended it. I want to be his friend. I love him for goodness sake. He was and still is full of rage. He has sent me many threatening voicemails saying that if I don't get back together with him he is going to kill himself. He sends me text messages telling me that I'm a mistake and that he hates me. When we see eachother, I am completey ignored. I have confidence now. I don't even care anymore. I have had so much pain, that I don't feel anything anymore. As I described it to my friend, it feels like a dream that was a complete dream. It was not a fantasy, it was not a nightmare, but just a story that I made up.
Today I cried about it for the first time. Out and about I see many happy couples. I thought about how my (ex)boyfriend and I were so much happier than these couples and we were on top of the world for a long time. I started crying on the spot. I stopped. I then thought maybe I should get back togeth...NO! I have been miserable for a long time...because of him. Yes, we were happy and I had the time of my life, but he has been horrible to me and I do not miss that.
I was proud of myself then.
